Surrender

I have fought the battles and wear the scars. I've stuggled and fought bearing my burdens alone. In my pain I've lashed out. Tear stains have become my makeup, sadness my very being. I've hidden myself away and buried my feelings with everything I could find. Time after time I've tried to make everything seem perfect, thinking that would make my flaws more tolerable. I am weak, I am tired, I am empty.

I surrender.

Take my life and show me the way...to live, to love, to be truly alive. Help me to love myself with all my faults and flaws. Open my eyes. Open my heart. Let me embrace the gifts that are all around me and make me a beautiful example of kindness and joy.

I am in your hands.

The turning point

Facing the reality of 49 years, yet still stuck at the gate, waiting for life to begin. Bound by anchors of sadness, frustration, emptiness and grief. Haunted by a sense of failure that permeates every fiber of my being. Continuously betrayed by my own emotions. Marked as damaged by those who've encountered the bristly and volatile shroud that envelopes me.

I cling desperately to a thread of hope that somehow, some way, the ever-present burden of sadness will break free and at last a glimmer of joy will burn through the darkness. Emptiness is not my destiny...disappointment and hurt should not be my legacies. Echoing deep within my soul is a whispered prayer that my moment will still arrive.

I've woven a cocoon tightly around myself...layer upon layer...until even an outline of what's inside can no longer be seen. Each thin blanket of protection and defense now suffocates and threatens my very existence.

My soul is desperate to break free - to breathe deeply and feel my wings unfurl - to let the vibrant colors of my inner being shine brilliantly in the sun.

Only I can choose whether to lie dormant deep within this stale and lifeless chamber, detached and alone, waiting to die...or to tear through the walls of this vice-like tomb layer by layer.

My heart and hands are scarred from the failures of past attempts. My reserves are depleted. I am fearful and jaded and tired.

I have become complacent in my misery. Suffering has become my identity. I stuggle to even imagine what a joy-filled future might be.

But a little voice says, "Choose joy. Don't be afraid. Open yourself up to the sheer possibilites of what might lie ahead.

It will take more faith and strength than you ever imagined but you have so much more in you than you can possibly know.

You have so much to give and so many gifts to share with the world. Don't throw them away. You have been chosen. You were given all of these special gifts because you have a destiny of greatness. Don't be afraid of them. Explore them. Play with them. Revel in them. But most importantly, share them.

Give yourself time and know that there is no hurry. Everything you want and need will arrive in it's own time - simply focus on the task at hand.

Surround yourself with love and happiness. Whenever things get overwhelming and scary, reach out in the darkness for a hand to hold onto. Around you are angels. Look for them and trust them to guide your way.

Bravely embrace your destiny, my child. Your future is filled with extraordinary things. Every moment you have endured till now has simply been setting the stage for greatness. All I ask is that you trust yourself and become all that you are meant to be. Just focus on living joyfully and filling your days with love - I'll take care of the rest."

Angel Blossoms

This little angel began as a fancy exclamation mark. Suddenly the background went awry and I decided just to keep working to see if something else would emerge. And with a few bold strokes the angel appeared. After I trimmed around her, the flowers seemed the perfect spot for her to nestle in.

Watchful angel

Dearest angel, protect those who need you most. Hover close and let them feel your faith and beauty. Help them face the darkest hours with the comfort that you are near.

Hope

Despite life's challenges, there is hope. Hope that God will hear my deepest desires and deliver far more than I could ever dare ask. Hope that even what seems impossible is not beyond the realm of His grace. Hope that those I love be granted blessings and joy beyond measure. Hope that all of my dreams will come true.

A prayer for my mother

I pray that those who care for you remain diligent in their pursuit of healing

I pray that every cell in your body is receptive to health and renewal

I pray that with each passing hour you become stronger and stronger

I pray that you focus your thoughts on possibility rather than fear

I pray that you nourish your body without restriction for vanity's sake

I pray that you will welcome the love and support that surrounds you

I pray that you will be here to enjoy many more years of milestones and celebrations

I pray most of all that you put your trust in God and allow him to work miracles in your life.

In limbo

Once hopeful that a week away would renew my spirit and revive my passions, I face the realization that I remain hopeless and numb. My budding joy dashed by fears and lingering doubts. I fight back the tears that persist in dampening my eyes, not wanting the world to know the emptiness and ache that envelops me.

I long to find a beacon to set my sights upon...a bit of hope to grasp onto. Like a desolate town, I pray for an infusion of life.

Wishing on the moon

Tonight, by the delicate light of the new moon, I cast out the burdens of the past and begin a brilliant new life. When I awake, I shall embark on my new adventure with anticipation and delight. Great love, joy and fulfillment lay just ahead. With every step I take I will look toward these beacons, knowing that boundless blessings await.

Fill the well

Fill the well every day...to the brim...just let it flow. Make it juicy and luscious. Pour in creativity. Swirl in passion. Sprinkle in some excitement and a healthy dose of adventure. Toss in your dreams and ideas and watch them float among the bubbles. And just when you think it's ready to overflow, dive in and really make a splash!

Fabulous

I'm not waiting one more day to be fabulous!

Enough waiting for someday to be happy. No more count downs to some transformational moment. It's time to live...messy and luscious and decadent and goofy.

Enough monotone existence, it's time to turn on the color...to be bold and vibrant and oh so awesome!

Who cares if I'm not perfect...no one is. I can be powerful and creative and fascinating and alive.

I'm an artist...a dancer...a writer...and an idea generator. I'm impulsive and sometimes compulsive. Ever hopeful and often inspired.

I'm a passionate, beautiful woman who loves generously and gives herself fully. I'm beautifully and brilliantly me...and that's all I ever need to be.

Renewal

The heart that was wounded continues to beat. Once again, my pulse quickens with joy and excitement. Eyes that blinked back tears now sparkle with hope. With each new day I am reborn, grateful for the lessons learned and inspired by the strength and beauty I found within.

My possibilties

The possibilities I'm creating for myself and my life are the possibilities of joy, beauty, confidence and love...true, passionate, everlasting love.

"Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game...it's such a surprise."

Courage

While I toy with troubles of the heart, a young man deals with the realities of life and death. Less than a quarter century old, yet part of a centuries-old conflict not of his making.

While a wedding party celebrates, the grim reality sinks into the heart of this beautiful boy.

Go with God's peace young man. Let your brave heart serve as a beacon in the darkness. Your honor and courage serve as a guidepost to those of us who sit quietly and safely on the sidelines.

James you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Turning point

I can choose for today to be a turning point. I can choose to see that I'm ready to follow the path that's always been in my heart. To risk being vulnerable by shedding my blanket of protection...my cushy layer of defense.

A new world awaits. One where love and intimacy, passion and joy await. How do I embrace this possibility rather than sink into sadness and fear?

There is no denying that the moment is now. I've already crossed the threshold. I just need to step out slowly, reach out for hands to hold along the way.

I will find my strength and build my stride. My legs may be shaky beneath me now, but they will strengthen with every step until I'm finally ready to take center stage...beautiful and graceful in the arms of the man I love.

White lies of the heart

You tell yourself you can handle anything...that you are strong....and you open your heart. You believe the words that are spoken...they are the ones you were longing to hear. You let them in your heart...and give yourself away.

But deep down there are doubts and fears. You're nowhere near as brave as you let on. You gave beyond your limits without thinking of the cost. Inside you feel you can't live up to the persona you've created.

So who is really to blame for damage to a heart that was placed on the altar as a sacrifice? Is it the one who said the words or the one who chose to believe them?

But without risk, the heart becomes tough and impenetrable. It ceases to beat with passion and fulfillment. And so, despite the risk and in the face of fear, it opens once again in the hope of one day meeting the one who will make it whole.

The man of my dreams

Is handsome, loving, generous and kind

Cherishes me and always tries to protect me

Encourages me to pursue my dreams

Makes me laugh and causes me to smile just knowing he's there

Is open, honest and emotionally available

Has a sensitive caring side yet conveys a natural sense of strength

Will always be there for me

Makes me feel sexy and beautiful

Is intelligent and challenges me to pursue new things

Has strong family values

Is financially secure

Has a sense of style and appreciates creativity

Loves me even at my worst

Will be my best friend

Turn toward love

The pain you feel is real. There's no use in denying it. But only you may choose how it will define itself in the story of your life.

Choose love.

Allow this to be a moment that you strengthen your compassion and learn to love without reservation. Love them despite the pain because they are on their own journey and struggle like you to find their way.

But just as important, love yourself. Wrap yourself in compassion. Embrace the world around you and create the life you want to live. Let the light of love fill your heart so brightly that there is no room for fear or darkness.

The most beautiful person is the one whose life sparkles with the light of love.

No matter what

You are strong. You are creative. You can light up the room with your smile. You make people feel special. You are graceful. You are passionate. You are fun. You have an innate sense of style, You care about people. You have a passionate soul. You are beautiful.

Despite every setback and heartache...you deserve to be loved and you WILL be loved.

Patience

Don't force the bud to open
It needs time and space to grow and develop
What's inside is truly spectacular
You want it to last

Have faith
Give love
He will come

Faith

You know what's in my heart and have shown me a possibility far beyond what I ever thought possible. Take my hand and guide me down this path, wherever it may lead. Give me patience to let the course unfold rather than trampling forward at my own anxious pace. Let my words and actions show my faith in you and the plan you have for my life. You have given me a glimpse of what true love can be...I will wait in faith to see it bloom. In your way and your time, not mine.

You were there

You opened my heart and let out the secrets inside. You exposed my fears and doubts so I could emerge from their grip. You wrapped me in your arms and filled me with comfort and strength. You were there when I needed you to open my world.

Take the floor

The music awaits. Luring the soul into a subtle sway. Seeping in and enveloping, beckoning movement. The muscles flex and tighten, the blood warms both cell and sinew. The motion takes over and the mind submits. Lightness and power, impact and grace. Flushed and electrified, a spirit given over to the dance. Skin tingles as the heart pounds, pushing on till the body weakens, deliciously spent at the altar of sound.

Simple pleasures

1. A nice long bubble bath with the music low and candles burning
2. Singing Broadway show tunes and power ballads while cruising down the highway
3. Going to the movies for a sappy chick flick with a big box of popcorn
4. Pillow fights and tickle fests
5. Blowing bubbles
6. Puppy kisses when I walk in the door
7. Fluffy towels fresh out of the dryer
8. Fresh flowers
9. A summer afternoon on my deck with a good book

My cloud

generous loving kind playful joyful happy funny trusting supportive enthusiastic passionate loyal adventurous fearless alive grateful light curious open creative inspired

Perfectly imperfect

Try as I might to control the tide, the water still splashes on through.

Hoping to check every box on the list, there's still always much more to do.

Measuring myself against an elusive image, I fall far short of the goal.

And though at my best I still stumble and fall, I am loved, I am strong, I am whole.

Pan pastel demo

Tried out pan pastels at Artist & Display this afternoon. It's such a free medium that it forces you to just go with the flow. Also found some interesting spray watercolors that I'm looking forward to trying.

Ready to bloom

Deep beneath the snowy ground lies a tiny bulb. Held within its papery exterior is a brilliant bloom of hope. Carefullly nurtured, it will follow its destiny to bloom.

Gentle stirrings of growth awaken potential from sleepy complacency. Day by day, delicate green shoots push forward toward the sun, shaking off the constraints of soil and stone.

As the tender bloom begins to emerge, it must face the bluster of harsh winds and the trample of careless passersby. Still, the bloom grows stronger and begins to swell until it's glory can no longer be held within.

On that day, all the beauty that has been growing inside will burst open and reveal itself to the world. And as God had planned, the flower will boldly take its place in the garden - brilliant and lovely with petals gracefully outstretched to the sky.

If I had no fear...

1. I would relax and enjoy myself, no matter who I was with
2. I would surround myself with brilliant colors and rich textures that make me feel alive
3. I would always choose fun over to do lists
4. I would flirt shamelessly with the most handsome, sexy and successful man in the room
5. I would travel to fascinating places and drink in the culture
6. I would feel comfortable being anywhere, even if I was alone
7. I would enjoy the most luscious, delectable foods and never think about being on a diet
8. I would always ask for what I really wanted rather than settling for less
9. I would totally enjoy the moment without thinking about the next
10. I would admit to my mistakes and laugh them off
11. I would go ahead and buy the things that truly delighted me
12. I would never question whether I was too old to do something
13. I would never turn down a dare or a challenge
14. I'd totally let go and experience sheer physical pleasure
15. I'd let people know how I genuinely feel about things
16. I'd say no when I want to say no and yes when I want to say yes
17. I'd try anything once
18. I'd always feel sexy and beautiful
19. I'd always play to win
20. I'd share my secret dreams and passions
21. I would start my own business and take my dog to work
22. I would never hesitate to help someone in need
23. I'd be silly and messy and crazy and loud
24. I'd let myself create without worrying about how it turns out
25. I'd encourage others to shine without concern that somehow it might diminish my own light

Things that touch my heart

1. The soft pink light in the morning sky at dawn
2. The skitter of sanderlings as they scurry along the shoreline in Texas
3. The look of sheer contentment on Snickers' face when she's curled up asleep next to me
4. Remembering Sean telling me "TJ, there's just no one like you"
5. Ending each phone conversation with my parents by saying "I love you."
6. Having my hair brushed
7. Getting a call from Carol just to see if I'm doing o.k.
8. Singing Silent Night by candlelight at the Christmas eve service with Mom singing harmony next to me
9. The smell in the air after it rains on a hot summer day
10. Gazing at Turtle Lake at dusk when it has become as still as glass
11. Getting photos in the mail with a note from my aunt Pat just because she thought I'd like them
12. Having Sean or Sofia give me one of their beautiful artistic creations
13. Hanging out with the gang at The Dunes and seeing how vibrant and beautiful older people can be

Just for Janie

The story goes that when I was just a little girl, I went to my Aunt Peg's wedding in a red velvet dress and brand new black patent leather shoes. All night long I danced and twirled, constantly looking at those shiny black shoes. Such pure delight. What joy in just being me.

That little girl was playful and imaginative. She drew pictures and baked cookies with her mom. She sang out loud and brought red tulips wrapped in newspaper to her teacher. She curled up in a backyard hammock and read books for hours.

Somewhere along the way, Janie grew up and became Jane. Solid, responsible, practical Jane. But in her heart, deep deep down, she knew that Janie must still be there - that joyful spirit with big dreams and the heart of an artist.

Through this blog, I hope to rediscover Janie. By savoring the moment and exploring my creativity, I hope to find that sense of magic and wonder that once was as natural as breathing...to find the sparkle inside that will shine as brightly as those little patent leather shoes.